few days ago i've read an entry about a broken heart. it's funny because the first time i read it, it was non-sense to me.. i couldn't relate to it at all.. little did i know it was preparing me for something unexpected.. it was sort of a warning.. i don't want to go into details.. i just want to write right this very moment.. i want to write cause im feeling different kinds of emotion.. sadness, misery, hope, denial, longing, weakness, fear, panghihinayang, pain- most of all pain..
i never expected id be hurt like this.. you know when ure preparing for something to happen and u know u'll be ready when it comes cause u've anticipated it for so long.. it's true that none of my preparations are helpful.. i still cry.. i still feel the pain.. even if i try to deny that i'm hurting.. but somebody told me that pain is good.. so i'll cherish every second of this moment.. i wanna remember everything.. cause i know someday i'll be okay (and i hope it's someday soon) and i'll be happy to reminisce this moment..
what doesn't kill you makes u stronger right?? and im still alive, hurt maybe, but alive.. now i have to wait for the stronger part..
The beauty exposed;
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
FREE WRITING (no editing whatsoever)
Sitting here, surfing the net instead of studying for my midterms exam makes me wonder, had I stayed in the Philippines, would I be the same person as I am now? Would my writing skills be finally developed and enhanced through studying at my dream school? Many “what ifs” are going through my mind right now.
No I am not in the computer because I am obsessed with online games or whatever they are called. I spend my time reading blogs of admirable writers that teach in various universities in my country, whom in one way or another I could have met or crossed paths with. I spend my time reading random articles concerning and written by the youth.
Yes, I am in New York City, taking up Nursing, an only child which meant financially speaking I am well provided for and so there is nothing in my life worth complaining for. Do not get me wrong I am not complaining. I love my life. Maybe I’m just being tired of the monotony. Perhaps I’m tired of letting days and days pass by without being so productive. Or perchance I’m just being haunted by the urge to assure myself that I made the right decision of leaving my dreams.
Sometimes I am being fascinated by the American Dream. Being a nurse and living a simple normal life sound good to me. Deep down in my heart something is missing. I know that I have been chasing someone else’s dream. As Britney Spears would sing “If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night”, I am currently feeling the same way or something to that extent.
If everything’s fine with pursuing a health care degree then why do I find happiness watching documentaries? Why do I always find time to read news articles? Why do I admire good writers as much as kids idolize a famous quarterback. Why do I appreciate the lyrics of a song, which to me is poetry, more than its music? And why did I just vented and typed incessantly my rants in about three minutes? Do all of that account for something? Are those facts telling me what my real passion is?
I am writing this to find answers. What do I get? I am left with more questions. Well, maybe because I’m 17 and still not sure of who I want to be- of what I want to do. But then again I find consolation in the fact that whatever I will do for a living would not define me as a person. Whatever it is that is on my plate right now, I have to be thankful for. Hey, I am not one of those kids who gradually die because of starvation or chronic disease. I am fortunate to be given this opportunity. I am a fool if I won’t seize every minute of life- every minute of my prime years. Now back to anatomy and physiology.
The beauty exposed;
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Lost in beauty..
i got the bg of this site from blogskins.com.. i like it cause it looks so girly which is so me and it’s color black, which from what i know is more eco friendly.. but i was really reluctant to download it cause it was titled “lost in beauty” which really doesn’t mean anything to me.. it got me thinking though, what is beauty for me??
i know some of the girls my age tend to be so concerned or worse brag about how pretty their faces are, how attractive their bodies are, how cute are the clothes they wear, etc. and unfortunately, i was once like that.. can u blame us?? in every magazine or in every tv program they show us their definition of what’s beautiful.. Great hair, slim body, clear skin, nice clothes, and who doesn’t want to have that?? truth is, everybody has one or two of the criteria created for us that identifies who’s beautiful and who’s not, but we can’t have it all.. everybody has flaws.. yes, even those goddess-looking models have flaws and insecurities.. and if we are not contented with what we have we tend to look at the other girls who seem to have it all and be envious..
it’s a shame that somehow women (or even men) are measured by their physical attributes.. it’s easy to detect who has the less self-esteem and fall into the trap of going along with the norms.. these are the people who constantly feel the urge to prove themselves to others.. but hey, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good and presentable.. as long as we don’t forget that who we are can never be confined in the description of how we look or what we wear.. i hope girls like me would never allow anyone or anything tell them how much their worth is based on other’s perspective.. what really counts is the way we feel about ourselves.. what matters the most is the person under all the fabulous clothes and make-up.. there is always more in a person beyond his/her looks.. having said that, may we never get lost in beauty..
p.s. i just have thought id have to put my two cents in.. nevertheless, obviously im keeping the bg.. ahaha.. it's cute anyways..
The beauty exposed;
Thursday, March 13, 2008
i still cannot believe i just clicked the control button that will post this non-sense. i have been reading and hopping from one blog to another ever since my high school life officially ended. i have been wanting to make my own too long ago that i couldn’t even remember when was the first time i considered the idea of making one.. and still am concern in a lot of things involving me being a blogger. did I actually call myself a blogger?? huwatt?? but as i’ve mentioned i still believe i don’t have what it takes to be called a “sensible blogger” due to the things such as:
i’m no celebrity.. i barely have no talent to entertain people(oh humble pie..hehe..).. my parents aren’t famous athletes or lawyers or anybody that has a huge value in the society (don’t get me wrong i super love em)..
i don’t go to a fancy school wherein when people will hear u go there they’ll be like, “oh, she must be smart and/or rich”. Haha.. seriously, im just a simple citizen of the two countries i love.. (and that’s another topic)..
im young and i believe at 17 there are lot of things to learn. i couldn’t actually write that its better to do this or that when i didn’t actually experience much in this life.. i believe i’m so juvenile and i’m loving it..
i don’t travel a lot..i don’t have pictures to show you beautiful places.. i would like to put the blame on my age cause again, i’m still a minor..and plus, when you’re in college, you don’t spend money and time on traveling.. that treat comes after graduation..
i don’t have an exciting job that i can boast about.. i’m not even allowed to work while i’m studying.. i can’t write anything about life and people you meet at work..
i don’t have a lovelife..yet..haha..i don’t have any kilig stories at the moment..
the bright side?? i can write it all here as those precious moments finally unfold.. i want to keep this blog for a long time.. i can’t promise to those of you who loves me so much to make time to read this “piece of me”.. all i have is my love for writing (i just hope writing would love me back) and this oh so simple lifestyle of mine to share with you..
now i’m getting too “ek-ek”..i’m just so proud of my new found bravery..
*ek-ek is my jologs term of dramatic.. credits: thanks to ate nadz for making this site..i love her..