Friday, April 25, 2008
"u bleed just to know you're alive"
few days ago i've read an entry about a broken heart. it's funny because the first time i read it, it was non-sense to me.. i couldn't relate to it at all.. little did i know it was preparing me for something unexpected.. it was sort of a warning.. i don't want to go into details.. i just want to write right this very moment.. i want to write cause im feeling different kinds of emotion.. sadness, misery, hope, denial, longing, weakness, fear, panghihinayang, pain- most of all pain..
i never expected id be hurt like this.. you know when ure preparing for something to happen and u know u'll be ready when it comes cause u've anticipated it for so long.. it's true that none of my preparations are helpful.. i still cry.. i still feel the pain.. even if i try to deny that i'm hurting.. but somebody told me that pain is good.. so i'll cherish every second of this moment.. i wanna remember everything.. cause i know someday i'll be okay (and i hope it's someday soon) and i'll be happy to reminisce this moment..
what doesn't kill you makes u stronger right?? and im still alive, hurt maybe, but alive.. now i have to wait for the stronger part..
The beauty exposed;
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
FREE WRITING
(no editing whatsoever)
Sitting here, surfing the net instead of studying for my midterms exam makes me wonder, had I stayed in the Philippines, would I be the same person as I am now? Would my writing skills be finally developed and enhanced through studying at my dream school? Many “what ifs” are going through my mind right now.
No I am not in the computer because I am obsessed with online games or whatever they are called. I spend my time reading blogs of admirable writers that teach in various universities in my country, whom in one way or another I could have met or crossed paths with. I spend my time reading random articles concerning and written by the youth.
Yes, I am in New York City, taking up Nursing, an only child which meant financially speaking I am well provided for and so there is nothing in my life worth complaining for. Do not get me wrong I am not complaining. I love my life. Maybe I’m just being tired of the monotony. Perhaps I’m tired of letting days and days pass by without being so productive. Or perchance I’m just being haunted by the urge to assure myself that I made the right decision of leaving my dreams.
Sometimes I am being fascinated by the American Dream. Being a nurse and living a simple normal life sound good to me. Deep down in my heart something is missing. I know that I have been chasing someone else’s dream. As Britney Spears would sing “If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night”, I am currently feeling the same way or something to that extent.
If everything’s fine with pursuing a health care degree then why do I find happiness watching documentaries? Why do I always find time to read news articles? Why do I admire good writers as much as kids idolize a famous quarterback. Why do I appreciate the lyrics of a song, which to me is poetry, more than its music? And why did I just vented and typed incessantly my rants in about three minutes? Do all of that account for something? Are those facts telling me what my real passion is?
I am writing this to find answers. What do I get? I am left with more questions. Well, maybe because I’m 17 and still not sure of who I want to be- of what I want to do. But then again I find consolation in the fact that whatever I will do for a living would not define me as a person. Whatever it is that is on my plate right now, I have to be thankful for. Hey, I am not one of those kids who gradually die because of starvation or chronic disease. I am fortunate to be given this opportunity. I am a fool if I won’t seize every minute of life- every minute of my prime years. Now back to anatomy and physiology.
The beauty exposed;
